Dreams on Spec

04.03.08
1:16 pm.

With the release of another CD from an artist I look up to I am introduced to more questions and situations that I have been battling with. In the past I have thought about the idea of becoming a musician. You know, touring, sleepless nights, changing people’s lives with your words. Good stuff. I never took the steps to pursue this profession. Do I regret it? I don’t know. I do know that I was being ‘safe’ by not taking the risk. Maybe I was never supposed to take the leap. Maybe God has bigger and better plans for me. That is what I am struggling with right now. I see the glamour and perks of being a musician, but am I only wanting to pursue the career of a musician because the people I look up to are musicians? If so, then I am glad I never went for it. I want to find out my passion in life, uninfluenced from any of my surroundings, so it’s true to my heart. Is that possible though? We encounter so much outside ‘noise’ in our daily lives that it is bound to shape our decisions. I need to find what I love and am passionate about and go for it. Not make decisions based on just going to a concert or reading an incredible book. Those seem to always be impulse buys. I don’t want that. I am in this for the long run and want it to last, whatever career I chose.

So what do I always come back to? I was thinking about this while lying in bed last night. The answer? Writing. I noticed that whenever I have decisions that are troubling me or I want to release some of the tension inside of me I write. I write a journal, or a song, but I rarely pick up a guitar and play music. Sometimes, but that is out of hearing a catchy or touching song and wanting to emulate that. I don’t want my life to be made up of decisions that were based on emulation. I want honesty. I cannot deny the fact that music has been extremely influential in my life over the years. Does that mean I should pursue a career in it? I don’t think so. I mean, someone can have many passions, correct? So I chalk it up that music is one of my passions. We are going to make tough decisions in our life and maybe doubt ourselves but that is the joy of knowing that we aren’t in this life alone. Someone is always looking out for us. Trust that the guidance will be there. I need to work on that.
Writing is something that has recently evolved into a passion for me. high school, even college, I was never really into writing. I am glad to say that has changed. So I think I am going to go with this. The one thing that seems to connect my two passions as of late is writing. Either writing songs, or jotting down journal entries. Words have the ability to change people and I think that is what I am attracted to. I can read a book or album lyrics and I get inspired. So by understanding that I realize that I need to write. That is my goal as of late – write more. Continue to tell my story as it happens.

Thank you.

Embrace the Moment.

When you hear people refer to ‘living the dream’ they often equate that with living on the road. Whether it is a result of being a musician, sojourner, or just because you can. But why? Do you have to be constantly moving in order to be pursuing your dream? First, lets think about the road. It can be lonely, quiet, and uncertain. It can also be adventurous, mysterious, and uncertain. So are people attracted to the mystery or the uncertainty? We always hear about people who live on the road, experiencing life, resisting the corporate nine-to-five job. Is that what is ‘the dream’ for everybody? I don’t think so. I just believe that this world is becoming more and more screwed up, for lack of a better word. We are constantly told what happiness and success is by the media, that we loose track of what is important and dependent on our survival as humans. Identity. Who we are, and staying true to that, is the most important thing in life. It is unfortunately rare.

I am trying to live my dream. Day by day. I get confused in where the future will lead or what path I am supposed to take. I guess that is why we weren’t meant to live this life alone. We need guidance. Looking at the musicians I listen to I see freedom. I see no limits, sleepless nights and success that cannot be bought from wearing a suit and tie. But is that for me? There has to be more ways of being satisfied with life than being a musician – living the dream. We all dream, some of us are fortunate enough to make the dream real. That is what I want. Reality crashing with fantasy. I dream to find my passion and follow my path. Don’t look back because what's ahead is more rewarding. Mistakes will be made and doubts will occur more often than not but faith is stronger than any doubt. Faith so strong that when you think you are crazy or completely hopeless, you keep moving forward, because that is what you have to do.

We listen to music because it brings us comfort. Comfort that is needed in this broken world. We cannot get too caught up on the lifestyle of the face behind the music. If we do we risk living our own dream. We all have them and they are all designed for us. I need to remember that God has a plan for me. Continue to live day-by-day and have faith. As time progresses I have more appreciation for certain activities. Traveling is one of them. I want to see the world, but not forget where I have come from. That I don’t need to constantly be moving in order to feel like I am progressing. Motion can be scary. Embrace the moment. I feel a lot of people live on the road for the wrong reason – to run. We cannot run. We have to realize that we are put in a certain place for a reason. If we live in fear than fear will take over. Embrace the moment. That is not to say don’t travel. Just make sure that you travel with faith and love. Not everyone has to live on the road in order to be ‘living the dream.’ Dreams become reality when people have faith, passion and love for what they do. Let fantasy crash with reality. Embrace the moment.

to live.

to think is to challenge
to challenge is to question
to question is to wonder
to wonder is to dream
to dream is to live
and to live is what we all thirst for.

*part of a journal - 02.18.08*

i like this.

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

-Jason Mraz (Song For a Friend)

To Trust and Love.

These times are tough. They are only going to get tougher. I need to be able to get through them in order for me to realize that I can trust another person. I don’t know why it is so tough. We had a talk the other day and I really found comfort in that. I was told everything I needed to hear. You keep telling me that you would never do anything to hurt me and for some reason it doesn’t seem like that is enough. I wish it was. I find hope though. I find hope in that one day I will be free of this fear, and hurt. I find hope in the idea of being able to trust another person completely and love unconditionally, with my entire heart and soul. I understand that love is a process and it takes time, more than ever before. This is a big step and I believe that it will make us stronger if I let it. I need to find enjoyment in something else besides being with you. The resentment will then disappear into the night like the sun does over the horizon.

We need to learn to trust and love. So much time is spent on wanting something and we don’t appreciate what we have. To the people who need some hope, something to help you get through a day that seems never ending, I am with you. We can, and will fight this struggle of life together. I believe that is the only way to tackle it, together. I wish that one day I am more comfortable with myself and not be so quick to judge others. It is either going to happen, or it isn’t. Me sitting here worrying is not going to change that. So move, find your passion, go find what makes you happy. She will be there in the end, waiting for you. With arms wide open, telling you that “I told you so.”

I am thankful for everyone in my life who has made me smile.
This goes out to you guys.